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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28084308">how's living with lucas?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfatmost/pseuds/halfatmost'>halfatmost</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Missing Scene, POV Multiple, Sad, fyi ivy is barely in this, switches between peter and lucas, the peter and lucas friendship tag is apparently not an established tag yet which is a disgrace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:13:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28084308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfatmost/pseuds/halfatmost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Hey,” Jason says, “how’s living with Lucas?”<br/>It’s not where he belongs. It’s strange. It’s lonely. It’s torture.<br/>“It’s fine,” Peter replies. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A collection of missing pieces from Act 2.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds, Lucas Carter &amp; Peter Simmonds, Lucas Carter/Tanya Garrett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>how's living with lucas?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is bare, so warning for suicide and general sad shit. take care of yourselves.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter knows before he leaves for break that he can’t live in the same room as Jason anymore. One week away from him won’t be enough to feel normal or fine being that close to him all the time. It would be too much, and maybe not forever but he needs a breather right now. He’s not ready.</p><p>So over break he texts Lucas, because Lucas’ roommate moved to a different school the summer after tenth grade and nobody new has come to fill the spot, so he has an extra bed. </p><p><em> hey </em> , Peter sends, <em> can i stay with you when we get back to school? </em></p><p> </p><p>Lucas had noticed something weird was going on with Peter and Jason right before break. So he responds <em> sure </em> almost immediately, because he doesn’t really care. Tanya won’t like not having an easy place to fuck in private, but he knows without asking that she wouldn't put sex before helping out a friend. Then he adds, <em> why? </em></p><p><em> jason’s an asshole, </em>Peter sends back. </p><p>Lucas doesn’t press, because yeah, Jason <em> is </em> an asshole sometimes, and it’s not really a big deal. Instead he just says <em> okay </em> and Peter says <em> thanks </em> and Lucas says <em> yeah np.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Peter texts Jason next. <em> i’m staying with lucas when we get back.  </em></p><p><em> you don’t have to do that, </em>Jason replies. </p><p>
  <em> i’m going to.  </em>
</p><p>Peter watches the typing dots for a long time, and then Jason sends<em> okay.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Peter goes straight to Lucas’ room when he gets to St. Cecilia’s. He doesn’t want to see Jason. He’s still mad, and hurt, and it feels so unnatural not to wait in their room and hug-tackle Jason when he arrives and close the door and kiss him, but he doesn’t. Because they don’t do that anymore. And the thought that they’ll never do that again makes Peter sick to his stomach, but it’s the way things are going to be now. </p><p>Lucas is already there when Peter arrives, and the door is open, but Peter knocks anyway. Lucas looks up from his phone and says “Hey, dude,” and Peter says “Hey,” and sets down his duffel bag. </p><p>Lucas’ room is just down the hall from where his and Jason’s is, so he starts to make trips, then, to get his stuff. His extra clothes, his sheets, the shoes he wears for gym. But then, from inside Lucas' room and through the open door, he sees Jason walk down the hallway. They don't make eye contact, Jason doesn't even notice he's there, but Peter knows then that he isn't ready to see him. The few items he hasn't collected yet will have to wait.</p><p>He sits down on the bed. Lucas looks up from his phone again and says, “You all set?” </p><p>“Pretty much,” Peter replies. It’s not really a lie. </p><p>“I got you a key,” Lucas says, eyes back on his phone, and tosses it without looking. Peter just barely catches it. “I told administration I lost mine.”</p><p>“Don’t they charge you to get a new one?” </p><p>“I guess you owe me three bucks? I probably owe <em> you </em> three bucks already, it’s fine.” </p><p>“Okay,” Peter says, because he’s probably right. And they’ve been passing money around since the seventh grade, all of them, so it doesn’t matter. “Thanks, again, for letting me stay.”</p><p>“Dude, it’s cool. Jason can be a dick sometimes, <em> I </em> wouldn’t want to live with him.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Peter says, and he hopes he doesn’t sound as shaken as he feels. Lucas is right, Jason is stubborn and stupid and difficult to live with sometimes, but it never bothered Peter. He would still be there, if it was his choice.</p><p>Lucas hesitates, and then he says, “Are you, like, okay? Did he do something shitty, do I need to tell Tanya to tell him off?” </p><p>“No!” Peter answers, too quickly. “No, it’s fine, we just got into a disagreement is all. I’m being melodramatic. It’s okay.”</p><p>Lucas doesn’t look like he believes him. “Peter, if he did something—”</p><p>“He didn’t! It’s okay, Lucas.”</p><p>“Okay, good. Cause if he did, I’d fuck him up.” </p><p>Peter smiles. “Thank you. But he didn’t.”</p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>“And you couldn’t beat him in a fight anyways.”</p><p>“Fuck you, yes I could!” </p><p>"Could not,” Peter says, and he finds himself laughing, and then Lucas is, too. It feels good to laugh with someone.</p><p>“Jason’s a bitch,” Lucas says through the laughing. He has a great laugh, warm and loud and unreserved. “Besides, if <em> Matt Lloyd </em>can punch him, then anyone could.”</p><p>Talking about the fight makes Peter think of what else happened that day, right afterwards, but he smiles through it. “Good point.”</p><p>“Matt’s a pussy.”</p><p>“You’re a pussy.”</p><p><em> “You’re </em>a pussy!”</p><p>Their conversations devolve into this kind of thing a lot, calling each other names that they both know they don’t mean, or at least don’t matter. It’s normal. It’s good. And Peter feels sort of relaxed, actually. That’s also good.</p><p>Lucas’ phone buzzes, then, and he checks it, and says “Oh, <em> fuck </em>yeah, Tanya’s here,” and stands up, and says, “You’re good? I can go?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Peter says. “Go fuck Tanya, I’m good.” </p><p>“You’ve got a dirty mind, Peter Simmonds,” Lucas says, grinning and grabbing his jacket. </p><p>“Yours is dirtier,” Peter replies, and then Lucas says bye and he parrots it back, and then he’s alone. </p><p>He closes the door.</p><p> </p><p>Peter’s not acting normal. Lucas has known him for five years; he can tell when something is up. And he doesn’t know why Peter is lying about it, and he really wants to know what happened, but if Peter isn’t going to tell him then there’s nothing Lucas can do about it. </p><p>What he <em> can </em>do is kiss his girlfriend for the first time in a week. So he just does that instead, until Tanya makes a sound against his lips and pulls away and says, “Is Peter okay?”</p><p>Lucas told her during break that something was up with him. Now he regrets it. “Do we really need to talk about Peter right now?” </p><p>Tanya swats him lightly, which she does to everyone. They joke sometimes that the nuns aren’t allowed to hit them, so Tanya has to. “Is he okay?” she asks again, more forcefully.</p><p>Lucas takes his hands off her ass, because it feels weird to feel her up and discuss Peter’s personal problems at the same time. “I don’t know,” he concedes. “He’s being weird. There was something he wasn’t telling me, about why he didn't wanna live with Jason anymore.”</p><p>Tanya is doing her thinking face. “Peter’s a good actor,” she says.</p><p>“I know?” </p><p>“I’m just saying, if he didn’t want you to know he was bothered, but you could still tell, he must be really bothered.”</p><p>“Well, I’ve known him for, like, half a decade, so I think I can tell when he’s upset—”</p><p>“I know, I know, baby, I just … It worries me that something's wrong and it’s <em>evident</em>. I mean, no offense, but you’re not the most observant person.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know.” She’s been telling him that for a long time. He doesn’t bother to deny it anymore.</p><p>“So are you gonna talk to Jason?” she asks, like the answer is clearly supposed to be yes.</p><p>“Uh, I guess so?” </p><p>“Talk to Jason.”</p><p>“Okay, I will talk to Jason.”</p><p>“Great idea!”</p><p>“Can we keep making out now?”</p><p>She laughs. “Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>“I left some boxes in the room,” Peter tells Jason when they run into each other in the hallway the next day, and Jason starts talking to him even though Peter turns away. <em> The </em> room, he says, not <em> our </em> room but not <em> your </em>room, either. He doesn’t want to concede that. </p><p>“I’ll come by later to grab them,” he goes on. Maybe he’ll be ready then.</p><p>“I don’t want it to be like this,” Jason says. </p><p>Peter walks away. He’s not ready right now. </p><p> </p><p>After two days of Tanya bugging him about it, and Peter still being weird, Lucas runs into Jason on the dorm building stairs (St. Cecilia’s buildings are all old as dirt and have no elevators) and realizes he finally has a good chance to have this talk. </p><p>“Hey, man,” he starts, running up a couple stairs to catch up with Jason.</p><p>“Hey!” Jason responds, chipper as always. He stops and waits till Lucas is on the same step as he is, then they walk together.</p><p>“How was break?” Lucas asks.</p><p>“Good, yours?”</p><p>“Yeah, it was good.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>“So, uh. Are you and Peter, like, good?” </p><p>By this point they’ve reached their floor, and both of them have stopped walking. “Yeah, we’re good,” Jason says.</p><p>“Okay. Cause he’s just acting weird—”</p><p>“Well, yeah, we just were fighting, you know, more than usual, and I guess he got fed up with it.” He shrugs.</p><p>“Right, right. I just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong.” </p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>“I mean, Peter just seemed upset, and he didn’t want to talk to me about it, which was kinda weird, so.”</p><p>“Well, yeah. You know how Peter is, he gets upset.” </p><p>Jason starts walking again, towards his room. Lucas gets the hint, so he says “Yeah,” even though he sort of doesn’t understand what that’s supposed to mean, and starts walking, too. </p><p>They’re both at their doors when Lucas asks, “Hey, Jason?”</p><p>He pauses with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Are you and Ivy, like … ?” </p><p>“Oh. Uh, no.” He says it in an <em> oh, well </em>way, like he’s not really upset about it.</p><p>“Oh, I thought you guys were, like—”</p><p>“We were. It just didn’t work out.” He shrugs again.</p><p>“Oh. Okay.”</p><p>“Yeah.” He opens his door. “I’ll see you, Lucas.”</p><p>“Yeah, see you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I talked to Jason, so you can get off my dick about that,” Lucas tells Tanya on the phone later. He’s not really a phone call person, but she is, and for her he doesn’t mind. </p><p>“How’d it go?” Tanya asks. She learned a long time ago to ignore Lucas being crass; he doesn’t even expect a rise out of her anymore, he just does it out of habit.</p><p>“Kinda weird. I mean, he was casual about it, but, like … “</p><p>“Like, casual in a way that felt suspicious?”</p><p>“Yeah. Like, he said something about ‘you know Peter, he gets upset about things.’”</p><p>“What's that supposed to mean?” </p><p>“Right. And he seemed in a rush to end the conversation, so. I don’t know.”</p><p>“I don’t trust that.” She’s doing her thinking voice, the one that means her mind is probably moving faster than the conversation is. </p><p>“Yeah, it was weird.”</p><p>“That feels like he did something shitty and he’s trying to cover it. In which case, I don’t know why Peter wouldn’t just say something about it.”</p><p>“Look, I don’t know, babe.”</p><p>“Yeah, me neither.” </p><p>“Maybe we should just let them work it out.”</p><p>“Okay,” she says, now sounding like she’s paying more attention, “sorry, you’re tired of it.”</p><p>“Sorta, yeah.”</p><p>“Will you just keep an eye on them?”</p><p>“Yeah, okay.”</p><p>“Thank you. I worry.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Okay, I gotta study. Bye, honey.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p> </p><p>Peter waits to get the boxes until he knows Jason won’t be there. He feels like a coward, but he just can’t do it. He can’t talk to Jason, not now. </p><p>Not now, but soon. Sometime soon he’ll be ready.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Peter?” Lucas asks one day, when they’re both in his room doing homework.</p><p>Peter takes out his earbuds. “Yeah?” </p><p>“Have you talked to Ivy lately?”</p><p>“Ivy? No, uh … No.” He hasn’t been ready for that, either.</p><p>“Oh. Well, y’know, Tanya just said she wouldn’t talk to her lately, and she was worried, and I knew you were a better source for Ivy Knowledge than I was, so.”</p><p>“Yeah. We just haven’t seen each other much since break.”</p><p>“You know, we should do something, all of us. We haven’t all hung out since, like, her birthday party. And you and Matt left that early anyways, didn’t you?”</p><p>Peter swallows. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Not that Jason and Ivy were really <em> down to hang </em>either, especially after they started making out in the corner.”</p><p>Peter’s head is saying that probably he should try to laugh at that, that’s what he would do if it wasn’t Jason they were talking about, <em>his </em>Jason, kissing <em>his </em>Ivy, but he can’t muster it. A “Yeah” and a weak, brief smile is the best he can do. </p><p>“Maybe that’s why Ivy’s not talking to anybody,” Lucas muses. “Maybe she’s bummed that they didn’t get together.” </p><p>“They didn’t?”</p><p>Peter doesn’t realize until after he says it that he probably sounds too interested, too eager, but Lucas doesn’t say anything about it. He says, “No, Jason said it didn’t work out or something.”</p><p>“Oh.” Here Peter is, having nightmares about their wedding, and they’re not even together. </p><p><em> Something </em>happened, though. He’s not stupid. They made out in the corner at the party, and Peter hates to think it, but they probably did more than that. He crashed at her place that night, after all.</p><p>But it really doesn’t matter what they did. Or it shouldn’t. Because Peter and Jason aren’t together anymore.</p><p>“You didn’t realize?” Lucas asks, which shakes Peter out of his thoughts. “I mean, it’s not like they’ve been <em> acting </em> like they’re dating.”</p><p>Jason knows how to be with someone without <em> acting </em>like it in front of other people, he’s done it for years, Peter wants to say. But he doesn’t. He looks down at his hands and says, “No, I guess not.” </p><p>“You good?” </p><p>Peter looks up, and Lucas is kind of squinting at him strangely. “Fine,” he says, “I’m fine.” He has no idea if he sounds convincing or not.</p><p>Lucas stares at him for a second longer, and then he says, “Alright. Well, I’ll tell Tanya you don’t know anything, either. Or, I mean, you could tell her. But she’ll be on my ass about it.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“I hope Ivy’s, like, fine.”</p><p>“Yeah, me too.” </p><p>Peter means that, because Ivy’s his friend, but it feels strange to say. It doesn’t sit right. </p><p>“Anyway,” he says, “I should finish this.” </p><p>“Oh, yeah, sure,” Lucas says.</p><p>Peter puts his earbuds back in, and they don’t talk anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Peter keeps acting strange, and he and Jason don’t seem to be making up, or talking to each other at all, even. And Ivy keeps not speaking to anyone, and she starts missing play rehearsal. And Lucas doesn’t know what the hell is up with them. But right now it’s a week till opening night and graduation is soon and everyone wants shit to use over the summer so Lucas has a lot to organize at the moment.</p><p>One seventh grader even knocks on his door and asks if he can buy some weed. It’s pathetic, and hilarious. Tanya tells him off.</p><p>So with all that, there’s not much room in Lucas’ schedule for worrying. But he’s not stressed about it, since Tanya worries enough for the both of them anyways. And nothing <em> bad </em> could be happening. Not really.</p><p> </p><p>Peter has been avoiding Jason at rehearsals for weeks. He had been avoiding Ivy, too, but he stopped having to do that when she stopped showing up. </p><p>He’s worried about her. He would talk to her, if things weren’t like they are, if he could find it in himself to. He would’ve talked to her a long time ago. But it’s the day before the show now, and at this point he knows something must be seriously wrong for her to be skipping.</p><p>He’s just finished saying something about it to Tanya (who’s “getting a little pissed now”) when Jason appears next to him. </p><p>“Hey,” he says, “how’s living with Lucas?”</p><p>It’s not where he belongs. It’s strange. It’s lonely. It’s torture.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Peter replies. </p><p>And then Jason says is Peter really never going to talk to him again, even though it’s <em> his </em>fault they’re not talking, they still would be talking if it wasn’t for what  he did, and then Jason says “I miss you,” and Peter’s heart stops.</p><p>And Sister Chantelle starts rehearsal. </p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t surprise Lucas that Peter knows Juliet’s lines from the party scene. He’s always been the one to know other people’s lines. And Diane’s always been the one to know no one’s lines, including her own. So really, none of what happens during the run the day before the show is very strange. He hardly even thinks about it.</p><p> </p><p>Peter stands in the hallway for several moments before he finally knocks on the door to his former room. Before he feels ready.</p><p>Jason opens the door. They stare at each other for a few long seconds.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Jason asks, softly.</p><p>“No,” Peter says.</p><p>He swallows. “Can we talk?”</p><p>Peter nods. </p><p>Jason steps aside, and Peter walks in and sits down on the bed that used to be his but doesn’t have his sheets on it anymore. Jason shuts the door and sits down next to him.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Peter,” he says. “I never should have—”</p><p>“Did you sleep with her?” Peter asks. His hands are shaking. He presses them down into the mattress to still them.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>Thank God, is all Peter can think. Thank God. Jason is still his.</p><p>Peter feels Jason place a hand on one of his. Goosebumps run up his arm.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Jason asks again, barely audible.</p><p>“Yes,” Peter says.</p><p> </p><p>Lucas can’t say he’s that surprised to learn that Peter and Jason are dating. He wouldn’t have figured it out himself, but it makes perfect sense. He’s more surprised by the drama that accompanies him finding out. He’d’ve thought one of them would just tell him. </p><p>But here they are, and it’s a big thing, and Lucas doesn’t think anybody wanted it this way. Except maybe Matt, the asshole that he is, but the second he touches Ivy’s shoulder she rears around and slaps him, so probably not even <em> his </em>plan went off without a hitch.</p><p>As Ivy leaves the drama room, Lucas feels Tanya take his hand and pull him along after her, muttering, “Come on. That’s not our business.”</p><p>They follow Ivy out into the hallway, and see her walk into the girls’ bathroom. Tanya follows her.</p><p>Lucas waits there for Tanya to come back out. Most everyone else leaves the drama room, too, and disperses quickly with little more than a nod to Lucas. </p><p>After a few moments Tanya comes back out of the bathroom to tell Lucas she’s going to stay with Ivy, that he doesn’t need to wait for her. And just as she’s finished speaking, Peter walks into the hallway.</p><p>“Talk to him,” Tanya whispers, and walks back into the bathroom.</p><p>Lucas turns towards Peter. “Hey,” he says.</p><p>“Hey,” Peter responds. He sounds so tired.</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” He pauses. “I’m gonna go to bed.”</p><p>“Do you want something?” Lucas asks. He feels clunky, useless. He should do something more, but he doesn’t know how to be comforting. People never want, like, emotional shit from him when they’re sad, they just want to get high.</p><p>Peter shakes his head.</p><p>“Okay,” Lucas says. </p><p>They walk back to his dorm together, and don’t talk for the rest of the night.</p><p> </p><p>Turns out Jason isn’t still his. Damn it, he never was. Peter should've known.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long-standing rule that accompanies items from Lucas’ pharmacy: they are never to be used during a performance. Violators have a 50% upcharge on all future purchases. They all work too hard for someone to mess it up cause they’re high. </p><p>Lucas knows that this is Jason’s first show, of course, but he doesn’t even think to give the lecture. He’s more concerned with how dead Jason looks.</p><p>“You know we’re still cool, right?” Lucas asks, after he gives him the vial. </p><p>Jason smiles, small and pained, and nods.</p><p> </p><p>Peter’s had a lot of whispered conversations with Jason, and more than one kiss tucked in the travelers and dimmed lights of St. Cecilia’s stage, but the moments they share right before the prologue feel different than any others ever have. He feels alive again.</p><p>And he thinks they just might make it.</p><p> </p><p>Lucas loves the party scene. He only has one line and mostly he just gets to background act, and it’s the best scene to background act in. He and Peter play off each other for a while, which is always good, and then Lucas gets to make this big show of walking up to Tanya and kissing her hand and asking her to dance. Sometimes she even says no, holds onto Zack’s arm and mouths something about standing by her husband, thank you, young man, and Lucas dances with Kyra for that one. It’s all very fun.</p><p>On opening night, the party scene is not fun. The party scene is nothing close to fun because Jason falls down halfway through and Ivy yelps and Peter starts saying Jason’s name and he and Nadia run over and Sister Chantelle comes onstage and Jason pukes and a techie draws the curtain and people in the audience are yelling and Jason stops breathing.</p><p>He <em> stops breathing.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Peter stops breathing. His heart stills in his chest. </p><p>Any minute, he thinks. Any minute he’ll wake up from the nightmare.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Chantelle steps out in front of the curtain and makes everyone leave the theater. Someone tells the booth to turn all the stage lights on, and that makes everything worse, because now it’s all clear and right in front of them. </p><p>A bunch of people rush in, EMTs. Someone called 911. Ivy’s crying.</p><p>They’re yelling, telling people to move. Ivy and Nadia stand up and stumble away but Peter doesn’t. Nadia steps forward and grabs his shoulders, and at her touch he scrambles backwards. He looks like someone’s punched him in the gut.</p><p>They talk a lot of doctor talk and lift Jason onto a gurney and in seconds he’s gone.</p><p>"Tanya," Lucas says, and grabs her arm so she turns towards him. "Tanya, I gave it to him. I gave him GHB."</p><p>"Oh,” she says. “Oh, baby, I'm sorry."</p><p>"It's my fault, Tanya, he's fucking <em> dead </em>."</p><p>"No, Lucas, look at me, it's not your fault." She's starting to cry, but her voice is firm.</p><p>He shakes his head. "I gave it to him, Tanya, he wouldn't be dead if I didn't give it to him—"</p><p>"Lucas, baby, you can't think like that. It's not your fault, okay? It's not anybody's fault."</p><p>"<em> Fuck </em>," he breathes. They're both getting teary now.</p><p>"Okay?"</p><p>He nods. "Okay."</p><p>"Come here."</p><p>She hugs him, then, and he buries his face in her hair and tries not to sob.</p><p> </p><p>Peter's numb. He's dimly aware of Ivy standing beside him, bawling.</p><p>"Peter," he hears. It registers slowly, having to fight past the screaming in his head of <em> Jason Jason Jason </em>. He turns.</p><p>"Peter," Ivy says again. He can't remember the last time he saw her cry like this.</p><p>He tells his arms to move, and after what feels like much too long, they wrap around Ivy. She presses her face into his chest.</p><p>People are moving. Around them, people are moving and they're talking and Peter doesn't hear them. His head is filled with stuffing.</p><p>Ivy's choking words out through her sobs. He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate.</p><p>"What did you say?" he asks her. He's petting her hair, but he can't feel it under his hand. He can't feel anything.</p><p>"Do you think," she repeats, muffled and broken up by gasps, "that was on purpose?"</p><p>It takes him a moment to sift through the question. "Do I think he killed himself."</p><p>She doesn't respond, but he wasn't really asking.</p><p>Jason had a full vial in his hand when they spoke after warm-ups, and Peter didn't take his eyes off him after the show started. Which means Jason took it before places. Before the last time they said they loved each other. After Peter told him it was over.</p><p>"Yes," Peter says.</p><p> </p><p>It's late that night when Lucas finally walks back to his dorm, and stops short when he sees Peter sitting down in front of the door to his and Jason’s. He offers a “Hey,” after a moment’s hesitation.</p><p>“I don’t want to go in,” Peter says, soft and choked. “When I go in and he isn’t there, it’ll be real.”</p><p>Lucas searches for something to say, anything to say, and lands on the only things he can think of. That he’s so sorry, and that Peter can absolutely keep staying in his room as long as he wants. And then Lucas hugs him when tears well up in his eyes and he starts to shake.</p><p>How, he thinks, did Peter do this for Ivy when they were standing right in front of his boyfriend’s corpse. How did he wait until now to cry when Ivy and Nadia and Lucas and everyone was crying then.</p><p>Probably, Lucas thinks, he’ll never quite understand.</p><p> </p><p>He won’t wake up. Peter knows, now, that he won’t. </p><p>This nightmare isn’t going to end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you so much for reading! this idea really consumed me for some reason and has ended up being basically the longest coherent fiction piece i've ever written. sorry it's so sad, but i must admit i'm a bit proud of myself. </p><p>have a lovely day :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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